Big Mike's Big Blog

Major Mickturbo & Biff the Bronze Robot Have a New Home

2007-07-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Greetings, loyal readers!

My newborn comic strip (Major Mickturbo & Biff the Bronze Robot) has a new home! You can follow all of their hilarious adventures by clicking on the Major Mickturbo link in the links section, or by going to:

mickturbo.blogspot.com

Bookmark it! Celebrate it! Just don't hate it!

Thank you for your time.

Pope: Catholicism One True Church...With Enough Dough to Settle

2007-07-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES -- Mere days after Pope Benedict XVI declared the Roman Catholic Church was the one true church supplanting all others, the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles decided to back up all that "talk" with action. That action came in the form of a $660 million dollar settlement agreement between the archdiocese and 500 people who claim they were sexual abused by clergy.

It is the largest payout by far in the church's sexual abuse scandal, the second largest being the $100 million settlement handed out by the Diocese of Orange, California, to settle 90 claims. The Diocese of Boston agreed in 2003 to pay $84 million for 552 cases, the same figure the Diocese of Covington, Kentucky, agreed last year to pay to settle about 360 claims.

Facing a flood of abuse claims, five dioceses -- Tucson, Arizona; Spokane, Washington; Portland, Oregon; Davenport, Iowa, and San Diego, California -- sought bankruptcy protection.

The irony of the closeness in time between the Pope's statement and the ego-deflating settlement announcement and subsequent renewed media attention on the sexual abuse scandal was not lost on some Catholics, such as giant-headed Senator Ted Kennedy.

"That God has one wicked sense of humor," Sen. Kennedy said.

(The Associated Press contributed to this report.)

Major Mickturbo & Biff the Bronze Robot

2007-07-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

Men of Tomorrow, Lost in Today!!!

(Click the pic to enlarge to a legible size)

Big Mike's Rules of Comedy

2007-05-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

Big Mike's Rule of Comedy #466:
If it doesn't qualify as a hate crime, it probably isn't funny.

PARIS HILTON SENTENCED TO 45 DAYS IN JAIL:

2007-05-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

NATIONAL SCHADENFREUDE DAY DECLARED IN LOS ANGELES:
'JAIL IS NOT EXACTLY THE HILTON' WARNS MARTHA STEWART:
'CONFIRMS EXISTENCE OF GOD' SAYS POPE

LOS ANGELES -- After failing to convict O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake, the city of Los Angeles redeemed itself today by toppling one of the greatest threats to peace and prosperity; Paris Hilton.

Ugly, non-famous people who lined the streets awaiting the verdict cheered when it was announced outside the Metropolitan Courthouse.

"We won, we won!" cheered the hideous throng.

Attractive famous people were despondant over the verdict, and voiced fears that their grip on power in this country may be slipping.

"It's like being rich and beautiful doesn't count for anything anymore," Zach Braff, the male Paris Hilton, said. "I fear for the future of us all. And by us all I mean like me and a few guys I run around with."

Battle of the Bad Dads Round I:

2007-05-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

HASSELHOFF VS. BALDWIN

Los Angeles, CA - Alec Baldwin is no longer the king of horrifically awful father figures. Though Baldwin's viciously hateful voicemail message to his daughter has set the tabloids on fire (and the blogosphere, where we patiently await the dance remix), David Hasselhoff has struck back with a strong case for his own place in the annuls of gawd-awful fathers.

A video has surfaced that shows Hasselhoff valiantly attempting to hold still the floor he is sprawled upon while verbally berating his daughter, who is filming the scene. The video aired Thursday on several of our finest news outlets, including but not limited to, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and (in a parallel universe where it was never cancelled) A Current Affair.

Not to be outdone, Baldwin called Hasselhoff to issue a challenge. However, Hasselhoff didn't answer, and Baldwin was forced to leave the following voicemail:

"Hasselhoff! I have made an ass of myself for the last time trying to get to phone to issue this challenge to you! I don't care if you're 53 years old or 54 years old or if you're a has-been or a never-was, because you've made me feel like shit now that I'm not the worst father in the world. I am going to get on a plane and fly to Vegas, and I will straighten your ass out when I get there."

Odds-makers in Vegas quickly pegged Baldwin as the favorite over Hasselhoff, and fight promoters are scrambling to secure the famed Thunderdome for the scrap at Baldwin's request.

"Who runs Barter Town? I’ll show that insensitive little pig who runs Barter Town," Baldwin said.

Ray Gun: Part II

2007-04-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

Takes Out Twenty Martians With One Mighty Blast!

p.s. As always, a simple click embiggens the smallest pic.

Ray Gun

2007-04-25T00:22:00.000-07:00

With 5X the Moon-Man Killing Power as the Next Leading Brand!!!

p.s. click the pic for full size, it looks better bigger.

Fish

2007-04-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

Fish could be a lot more entertaining if they would just wear little hats. Come on, fish, get with the program.

Too Lazy To Doodle

2007-04-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have grown too lazy to doodle my own daydreams. Therefore I have begun farming out this work to others. Jason Ho sketched the above vision that came to me during a discussion about my favorite pair of shoes. To those who claim it is too violent, remember that it shoots Hug-A-Bullets™ and blasts Friendly Fire™.

Jason's sketchblog can be found in the Crap De La Crap section.

M.

p.s. in real life i have a nose.

It's A Big Red Guy

2007-04-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that he likes frappes. This was sold to my brother's girlfriend many months ago in exchange for a sweater vest which she promised to knit for me. That never came to pass, I moved to Los Angeles, and my sweater is still vestless.

A word from Michael

2007-04-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

Let's get something straight right off the bat; I don't like you or that little look on your face. I want to kick you, perhaps twice.

Moving on; the old blog, as hosted by Myspace, is a thing of beauty, a wordstorm of witty winds and hilarious hail. It can be found at http://blog.myspace.com/mickturbo

However, for all the wonder and joy it has brought to me and mine, I felt it was time for a new format. Then I got lazy and decided upon this.

Enjoy!

Michael

Check back in an hour...

2007-04-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

And see how little I've accomplished.